Happy Locklloween!

Are you still trying to figure out what to be for Halloween? Are you aiming for something that is funny, topical, clever, will impress everyone with your witty dissection of popular culture, and not racist/sexist/homophobic (I hope you all already know that it’s NOT OKAY to dress in black face on Halloween or EVER)? Well look no further than this list! I’ve compiled a list of potential costumes that I’ve considered for this year, that I’m being generous enough to share with you. You should be able to pull all of them off for less than $10, and most off for less than $5, if you’re creative and have a lot of friends with weird closets. Be forewarned: many of these costumes involve a small acting component. If you don’t like it, you can be a sexy nurse with all the rest of the lame-os.

Without further a do, I present to you:

LOCKLLOWEEN!: The Definitive Janney Lockman Halloween Collection

1. Blurred Lines.

Take a white-shirt and attempt to draw straight lines on it with a sharpie. At this point, you can spill some water on it, or make the lines squiggly or thicker in places. You can also do this on your face if you are daring. Spend the night cutting lines at the bar or on the way to the bathroom and not following basic social protocol, like knocking before entering someone’s house or elbowing people. When someone calls you out on your jerk-like behavior it, just say “I hate those lines,” and carry on.

2. The Beardwagon.

Wear either a Red Sox jersey or a hat, and draw a beard on your face. Make a sign that says #soxtober or PAPI or some kind of reference to the Red Sox in their current line-up and place in the World Series. Gush all night about how you didn’t really understand baseball until there were beards involved.

Addendum: This costume can also be made into a “Sexy” costume by cutting a daringly low neckline into your jersey.

3. Weight Watchers.

This is an easy costume to do with a group of lazy friends. Get a 5 or 8 lb hand weight, and take turns carrying it around. Periodically put it down somewhere, and having all of you stare intensely at the weight.

4. An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus.

Take a business-sized or manilla envelope, write “TO: MILEY CYRUS” on the front of it, don’t seal it, and pin it to your shirt.

5. Mumford and Suns.

Wear a button-down shirt and a stupid formal vest thing. Draw a fake beard on your face and either slick back your hair or mess it up. Wear leather shoes of some kind. With yellow fabric or construction paper, make 2-4 sun-shaped cut-outs, like the kind you made in kindergarten. Tape, sew or pin them to your person. Top it off with a pair of sunglasses. Take pride in having an excellent sense of humor and good taste (this is what I’m gonna be. If you live in the Boulder-Denver-Ft. Collins-WY area, this costume is not up for grabs. Back the f off! Unless you want to be a sun).

Happy Locklloween!

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