The Unpacking Company for Grown-Ass Men

Helping someone else move is like waking up on Christmas morning to a tree surrounded by the biggest presents ever that you’re not allowed to open, because you’ll mess up their system dammit! Here’s a synopsis of a recent conversation I had with someone who is a “grown-ass man” who kind of stinks at unpacking. Real names are not used to protect the guilty.

Me: “Can I just open this box? It says “clothes.” I can hang them up in the guest closet.”

Grown-Ass Man: “No. There are things I need to get rid of. Some of them will go in the other closet.”

Me: “I can start a box for Goodwill!”

Grown-Ass Man: “No. Some of the things I might not want to send to Goodwill. I’ll do it later.”

Me: “Can I at least open the box while you’re in the shower? Just to have a peak?”

Grown-Ass Man: “Okay. Don’t hurt yourself with the knife while I’m gone.”

Me: “Relax. I’ll be fine.”Opens box. It’s full of duffel bags. Gets scared and opens another box.

GAM: “Did you find the bed spread?”

Me: “No, but I found another duffel bag. Hasn’t the military realized that we’ve improved suitcase technology since Korea?”

GAM: Launches into something about branches of the military.

Me: Greedily eyes box marked “Miscellaneous.“Can I open that box?”

GAM: “No! Don’t open any more boxes! I need to come up with a system on my own. This is going to take forever.”

Me: “I can help you come up with a system! I’m good at systems! I’m the best at systems!”

GAM: “No. I won’t be able to find anything.”

And so on and so forth. Articles about 20-somethings keep telling me that I need to pay attention to the things that make me lose all track of time, and turn those things into a career. Currently the only thing that captivates me enough that I forget about time and food, is moving and helping others move. Arranging, sorting and getting shit done is my forte. Being a hard-ass when it comes to organization also comes pretty naturally. So I’m starting to think that I should give up this whole writer/customer service/counseling career jig and start an unpacking company for Grown-Ass Men. My first customer has been reluctant, but he does not know what will hit him. As soon as he lets me open that box that says “4 small duffels.”

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One comment

  1. Aunt Bonnie · · Reply

    Boy you have the whole gam species nailed!

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