Sit-down Comedy

I saw stand up comedy live for the 2nd time in my life on Sunday. Since I’m going through a phase where I’m dabbling in the comedic arts because I’m procrastinating on studying for the GRE, I figured I’d go ahead and dabble in this one.

So here is the routine I would perform if I were a stand-up comedian.

So I went to my second ever comedy show this week. The first one was at this liberal hippie college I went to, so there were a lot of jokes about hetero-normativity and intersectionality. But this one there were all these sexist jokes about women and roofies and it made me uncomfortable and pissed off, until I realized: these men probably don’t get laid very often.

Anyway, so you know Buzzfeed quizzes? Well I took one this morning: Which celebrity couple are you and your partner? And since I don’t have a partner, I filled it out as if my cat were my boyfriend. Anyway, I took the quiz, and Oscar (that’s my cat) and I got Ellen Degeneres and Portia Del Rossi. I’ll admit it felt weird being told by Buzzfeed that my cat and I would be in a kick-ass lesbian relationship. And then I realized how weird it is that I take Buzzfeed couples quizzes with my cat.

Being single is an interesting thing. You develop these strange hobbies because you’re not spending time having sex. It’s like “Okay, I didn’t want to learn macrame, but since I’m not getting laid…” So since I’ve been single I’ve been playing lots of solitaire on my phone. If you think about it, solitaire is the ultimate game for chronically single people. The name itself says “You’re going to die alone on top of a deck of cards.” But here’s the thing, I’m single by choice. And I’m really good at phone solitaire.

And that’s the point where I would totally run out of funny things to say. So mad props to stand-up comedians. Even if a lot of comedy is f-ed up, sexist bullshit, it takes a lot of guts to stand up on stage and make people laugh at you. I’m gonna sit here behind my computer screen, so if no one laughs, I’ll never know.

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