After a multi-month hiatus from pop radio (and blogging, interestingly enough), I recently re-discovered the joys of cruising down the highway listening to 30 minutes of Nickelback and that one song about airplanes in the night sky being like shooting stars (seriously, that song came out in 2009 or something? Haven’t we come up with better things since then?) as well as ads endorsing poor financial decision-making waiting for that ONE song that you love to be played that makes it all worthwhile.
This was not always a pleasant experience. At first, I had what I’ll call a “South Park Moment.” In one of the episodes, Stan realizes he is getting old because pop music sounds like farting. And that’s basically what happened to me 2 weeks ago.
But I think I’ve recovered enough to have reactions to some top 40 songs, which I have listed below.
Jason Derulo – Trumpets
Now I’m not going to lie. I don’t hate Jason Derulo. But in Trumpets, he’s asking if it’s weird if he starts hearing music when this girl gets naked (also, he reveals that he has terrible taste in music – Coldplay? Katy Perry?). Yes Jason Derulo, it is weird. Also, have you ever heard a trumpet? They don’t make that noise. Next please!
Nicki Minaj – Anaconda
My first reaction was “Is Baby Got Back old enough to be public domain?” Because that should be the only reason Sir Mix-A-Lot (or his estate – I’m a little shaky on who is still alive) would acquiesce to having his masterwork sampled in this terrible song. But then I realized he gets money every time Anaconda is played, and now have the utmost respect for Sir-Mix-A-Lot. And even a little for Nicki, because this song is the ear-wormiest out of the bunch.
Taylor Swift – Shake it Off
I didn’t watch the video because I didn’t want to see Tay Tay culturally appropriate anything and I am in denial. So I will just cover the content of the song. Which I LOVE! Except, during her “rap” there’s a part where she’s talking about a guy with “hella good hair.” Taylor, I hate to break it to you, but we’re not in middle school anymore. After the age of 22, “Good hair” should not be the sole reason for “shaking it over” to anyone. With the number of cats you and I have, we have to have more realistic expectations. Like, it should be exciting if the guy we’re “shaking it over” to actually has hair.
Megan Trainor – All About that Bass
So there have been a lot of things written about this song, so I won’t say much about this from a feminist perspective. But from a musical one, I take issue. Megan Trainor, you can’t appreciate the bass without the contrast of the treble (or is she saying “trouble?” This is the internet, we don’t have time to fact check). So you have to have treble. Also, at this point in my life, I probably could be categorized as a “skinny bitch,” despite having a little “boom boom.” And what I take away from this song is that skinny bitches can’t play bass. And this makes me want to fight Megan Trainor. And I would probably win.
Sia – Chandelier
This is perhaps the most perfect formulaic pop song for this era of music. It has all of the elements: a catchy, slightly nonsensical hook, stuff about party girls, drinking and counting. It’s almost as if whoever wrote it (Sia?) had a pop song mad-lib and just filled in the blanks. It’s not my favorite song right now, but it’s still genius.
Iggy Azalea, Rita Ora – Black Widow
She’s gonna eat him, right? That’s what this song is about, right?
Katy Perry – This is How We Do
Sorry Katy, I can’t hear anything beyond you saying “doodoo.”
Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj – Bang Bang
The only thing that could make this song more perfect is nothing. Also, from here on out, if anyone feels the need to refer to my booty, they must compare it to a Cadillac. I’ll let you know how that goes.