A Treatise on Chest Hair

For those who know me well, it’s no secret that I have a little bit of a thing for hairy men. Perhaps it is evolution trying to incorporate a little more fur into my naked mole rat gene pool (It’s frankly a miracle that my younger brother is capable of growing a beard, because my family is not made up of hairy people. Fortunately for me, I must say). So I must say, it’s been kind of a nasty shock to be out in the dating world beyond the either scruffy or totally hairless hippie/hipster boys I went to college with, to discover that a lot of men who are around my age shave their chests.

Actually, it’s a total fucking bummer. I’ve been trying to grow chest hair for nearly 25 years with no luck, and these men just throw it away, like it’s armpit hair or something.

In my highly qualified opinion, there are only two circumstances when it’s acceptable to shave your chest.

Circumstance 1: You do drag.

Circumstance 2: You’re going in for open heart surgery.

Now, I don’t want to police the shaving decisions of other people. Lord knows, my own body hair choices are inconsistent at best (Shave everything but armpit hair! Shave armpit hair because my armpits stink! Shave it all!!!). But the issue with shaving chest hair (beyond my own personal preferences) is that the areas that come into contact with the chest during intimate occasions, like head-butting, tend to be sensitive and not covered with hair. Beard burn is somewhat par for the course. But chest hair burn is a whole new type of hell, mostly because it is unexpected. And nobody is talking about it.

For awhile I was dating someone who looks like an anatomically correct Ken doll. I will probably never date someone with so many abs ever again. But, like, one time I saw him trimming his armpit hair…

Okay, so maybe I am a hypocrite and am trying to police the grooming habits of other people. But I don’t care. I like your washboard abs and I want to see the weird nipple hair that comes with them. If you’re naturally hairy, I want to look at you in dim light and wonder if you’re wearing a shirt or not. If you’re not that hairy, in the words of that song from the movie Frozen “Let it Grow.” Chest hair burn is especially baffling when you get it from someone who looks like they’ve never shaved their face a day in their life.

Or do whatever you want. It’s your body.

Just kidding, please don’t shave your chest.


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