Sex and the Suburbs Part 2

The scene: A Starbucks in Broominster, Colorado. Four women in their mid-thirties sit drinking assorted espresso beverages. 

Carrie: “I can’t believe you’re moving to Boulder Miranda!”

Miranda: Well it’s only a 15 minute drive from your house, if there’s no traffic.

Carrie: I just don’t understand how anyone could think of leaving the Suburbs. Do you really have to go?

Miranda: I got a really great job, there’s a great daycare for Brady in my neighborhood, Boulder is still technically like a suburb and Steve was really tired of bartending at Chili’s. I’m not happy about it either, but I have a family to think about now.

Carrie: I wish you weren’t leaving us. Now it’s going to just be the three of us, and who will tell me to shut up now?

The other three women look at each other quickly, then look down.

Carrie: Ok, what’s wrong with you?

Samantha: Honey, I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but –

Charlotte: I’m moving to Denver!

Carrie: *lets out audible gasp* Denver!? Sweetie, why would you do that?

Charlotte: I’m really tired of working at Inks and Drinks at the mall, and I got a job at a gallery in RINO. Plus there are no *men* here.

Carrie: What do you mean? There are plenty of men here!

Miranda: Uh Carrie, when was the last time you met a cute single man here that didn’t actually live in Denver?

Carrie: I’ve dated plenty of cute single men here! Like Aidan –

Miranda: Who actually lives in Arvada…

Carrie: Well Samantha always seems to find people to date.

Samantha: I don’t date.

Charlotte: Maybe you find plenty of suitable people to date, but I’m just getting tired of dating here! Everyone’s a dad already!

Miranda: It’s true, look at Steve.

Charlotte: The last date I went on actually turned out to be an interview for a nannying job! Plus, Trey’s whole family still lives here and I’m tired of accidentally seeing Bunny naked at the gym.

Carrie: But look at what you’re giving up! Friendship! The Suburbs!

Samantha: She’s tired of seeing her ex-mother-in-law’s pussy –

Charlotte: Don’t say that word!

Samantha: Let me finish. And there’s nothing you can do about it, Carrie! I’ll miss them too but I don’t understand how you can’t just be happy for them for living somewhere more exciting.

Carrie: But Samantha, you love Broominster too!

Miranda: *smirks* Sure she does.

Charlotte: What’s that supposed to mean?

Samantha: Girls, I’m going to tell you something that might come as a shock to you.

Carrie: You’re a little bit older than us?

Charlotte: You’re getting married!

Samantha: Yes, and no. Remember that night when there was a really long line for the bathroom at Applebee’s so I tried to go to the men’s, but there was a line there too so I peed outside?

Carrie: Does this story have a point?

Samantha: Well as it turns out, the cop that saw me pissing in the bushes was married to someone I slept with…

Charlotte: No!

Samantha: Long story short, I got arrested for indecent exposure and now I’m a registered sex offender.

Carrie: I always just thought that you just went home with that guy in the Rockies hat who drove a big truck and looked like he had a tiny penis that night.

Samantha: Not that night, and he did.

Miranda: This was not part of her official statement.

Charlotte: So THAT’s why you live in that weird development in the middle of nowhere.

Samantha: Miranda and I are trying to get my record expunged, but until it is, I’m stuck here in the Suburbs with Carrie.

Carrie: Well you don’t have to act like living in Broominster is a bad thing… We should all be so lucky!

Samantha: As we should… Plus, there are plenty of bored married people to sleep with here.

Charlotte: What Samantha means is, Broominster is a lovely place to live, but we’re all ready to live somewhere else. Don’t you wish you could go to out to non-chain bars and date single investment bankers and not have to pay to water a lawn?

Miranda: The amount you spend in taxis and Uber rides is ridiculous. And I’m going to be honest, your financial situation makes absolutely no sense! How do you afford to buy all of that Vera Bradley writing a sex column at the Broominster Sun?

Carrie: Miranda!

Samantha: Now wait, Miranda’s got a point. I thought the Broominster Sun was a monthly paper.

Charlotte: Is it even still in print?

Carrie: You don’t read my column?!

*sheepishly and in near-unison* Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha: No.

Samantha: I could get you a job at the Denver Post easily. Several people on staff owe me a few favors if you know what I mean.

Charlotte: Ew.

Samantha: I’ve planned several fabulous parties for people on staff at a highly reduced rate, thank you very much.

Carrie: I just love Broominster so much.

Miranda: Your coffee cup says “Carry” on it. It might be time to cut your losses.

Carrie: Let’s get out of here. I’ve got a column to write.

Back in Carrie’s condo.

Carrie’s Narrator Voice: Is Miranda right? Is it time to cut my losses? And what is the difference between truly loving a place, and simply being trapped there by something, whether it’s your parole officer or a fear of new places? Broominster isn’t staying the same, so why should I? What do you do, when the people you love don’t want to stay in the place that you love…

Are places the new boyfriend?

Fade into shot of Carrie getting in her car and driving to the mall…

Carrie

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