Thornton – Colorado. Area man who drives a Ford Super Crew F-450 XL claims that he has a “freaky huge” penis. 28 year-old suburbanite, Bradley Morris not only drives a vehicle that is frankly baffling given his lifestyle, but is also allegedly hung.
“My truck has a 6.7 L Powerstroke V8 TurboDiesel engine. That’s how you know my dick is big,” says Morris as he proudly opens the door to his massive truck. “Liberal gun-grabbers with tiny peckers don’t drive vehicles like these.”
“It’s not often that someone is a grower AND a show-er,” says the bank teller, who last used his truck bed to pick up a dresser from Ikea. “I’m both and everybody can tell by my big truck is.”
“His dick is not big. Actually, I would call it “small”‘ says Kimberley White (not her real name for obvious reasons), a woman that Morris claimed was his ex-girlfriend. “And I can’t believe he told you I was his girlfriend. We hooked up ONCE at my cousin’s wedding. But yeah, have you ever seen these?” White says, peeling the lid off a can of Vienna sausages and offering me one. “It’s smaller.”
When asked what he uses his truck for, other than his commute to and from work, Morris launched into a twenty-minute description of his firearm collection, which he keeps in his condo.”You can’t show up at a gun show with a sissy Prius, can you?”
Morris says that he collects weapons that cannot be purchased by civilians in most countries in case he needs to protect his family from the “bad guys with guns.” Also, he lives alone.
Morris’s shaft and firearm collection are not the only things that he claims are unusually large.
“Take a look at these babies” Morris says as we walk around the back of his Ford. Morris’s rear windshield is simply adorned, with a decal of Bill Watterson’s Calvin cartoon urinating on the word “Obama,” and a sticker that inexplicably says “KCCO.” Morris bends over and gently cups what looks like a pewter scrotum, dangling from his trailer hitch. Morris told me that this decorative ball sack that has no purpose is called ‘truck nuts.’ “Yeah, mine are bigger.”
“He told you that thing about his balls? I told him to get that checked out!” said White, when later asked to validate his claim. “Also, next time you interview him, ask him if he’s ever successfully found a clitoris.”
We did not ask Morris this question and also declined when offered to hold the handgun he keeps in his glove compartment. “Suit yourself. That’s really the only way you can know how big my dong is, since you don’t want me to whip it out.”
“It takes a real man with a real big schlong to drive a truck like this. I just wish America would understand that and stop trying to take away my right to pull my di — I mean, gun out to defend my family against fetus-killers, the gays and Syrians.” This is a pensive side of Morris that we haven’t seen in this interview that surprisingly has only been going on for an hour.
“Anyway, if there are any ladies out there that want to ride in my big truck, see my big cock and gun collection. I’m on Tinder so swipe right! I’ve got a large package for you!” says Morris. “I don’t get why girls don’t go for a nice guy with a huge pecker like me.”
“Yeah,” says White, his ex-wedding hook-up. “It’s more like the trigger than the gun, if you know what I mean.”