An Encounter At Trader Joe’s

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“Can I help you find anything today?”

Janey looked up. The incredibly handsome man standing in front of her was what her grandma would call “a tall drink of water.” Popping out of the top of his orange Hawaiian shirt was a swath of thick, black chest hair. His blue eyes pierced into the depths of her soul, overlooking his nose, which was strong and masculine, but miraculously not too big. “Joe” read the name tag pinned over his pectoral muscle, which Janey could tell were quite defined, even through his unflattering shirt.

“Are you -”

“Joseph Trader the Third, heir to the Trader Joe’s fortune? Yes, yes I am.” His voice was deep and sexy.

“He could  read me audio books all night long,” Janey thought.

“But enough about me. Can I help you find anything today?”

Janey gulped. It was hard to ignore his penetrating stare, which made her hope that he’d be penetrating her later. Perhaps now was the time to take a risk. Had she come across the perfect person to ask for help?

“Joe, can you help me find my purpose in life?” Janey said softly. She had to break his gaze to avoid melting into a puddle on the floor in the Two-Buck Chuck aisle.

Joe looked at her long and hard. After what seemed like hours (“Gosh, he smells like Palmolive, woodsmoke and freshly-mowed grass,” thought Janey), Joe finally spoke.

“I think I know just the thing you’re looking for. Come on, take my hand.”

Joe grabbed her hand in his strong, appropriately calloused one, whisked her out of the wine section and down the aisles. She struggled to keep up with his long stride, but didn’t mind lagging behind. The view of his muscular bottom in his khaki cargo shorts was fabulous. After racing through all of the aisles, they finally stopped in the peanut butter section.

“Janey, I know just what you need,” he said.

“Wait, how do you know my name?” Janey asked, puzzled. Could he actually see into her soul with his baby blues?

“I stole your wallet. Here you go.” He placed her wallet in her hand. When their fingers touched, Janey felt an electric shock comparable to the time she accidentally spilled wine on her vibrator.

“Here, I want you to try this.” He handed her a jar.

“Cookie Butter with Chocolate Swirl?”

“It’s transcending.”

“Oh okay,” Janey’s heart sunk. She knew that she could not rely on a man to solve her problems for her. She would have to figure out her life’s purpose on her own. She was put on this earth to do more than just Cookie Butter with Chocolate Swirl.

“Joe?”

“Yes Janey?”

“I feel like we have some kind of cosmic connection. Do you want to go have sex in the bread aisle?” Janey asked, looking up hopefully at his stupidly handsome face.

Joe’s eyes widened. “Absolutely not. I’m gay.”

“Oh okay, I’m sorry,” said Janey, dejectedly. This wouldn’t be the first time her gaydar had failed her.

“But do you want the Cookie Butter with Chocolate Swirl?”

“Yes, I suppose I’ll take it.” Janey placed the jar in her basket, turned around and walked right out the door. “I suppose I’ll get my fancy snacks from Whole Foods from now on,” she thought as she got in her car and drove away, shoplifted cookie butter in her purse.

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